


Can Barely Talk Because of the Loudness of my Thoughts

by Nylazor



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Intercrural Sex, M/M, Praise Kink, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:42:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nylazor/pseuds/Nylazor
Summary: Hanzo wakes up from a nightmare and Jesse comforts him and helps him get back to sleep.
Relationships: Jesse McCree/Hanzo Shimada
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	Can Barely Talk Because of the Loudness of my Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ArtsyDeath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtsyDeath/gifts).



> I always wanted to write intercrucial sex!

Hanzo wakes up screaming.

Genji's dead.

He watched himself kill Genji.

He watched helpless, sword stroke after stroke after stroke.

Until there's not much left then a pile of meat. Steaming meat. It's night after all.

He watches himself flick the blade to get off excess blood.

He watches himself sheath the blade.

He watches himself walk away.

How could he have done this? How could he? Emotionless, cold calculating. 

~~ Monster ~~

~~_ Monster _ ~~

~~**Monster** ~~

He screams, his body moves without his consent, it hurts, it's tearing himself apart he's screaming in his head. Screaming and shouting and  _ begging _ .

But still he watches himself cut Genji to pieces.

He feels himself relax as the final swipe of the blade.

~~ A job well done. ~~

Hanzo wakes up screaming.

He wakes to his throat raw and Jesse shaking him.

Jesse. Jesse.  _ Jesse. _

He's in the overwatch base. The new, reformed overwatch. Genji's alive. Safe.

~~ No thanks to you. ~~

But he is. Safe and sound, and not quite whole but at peace at least.

~~ Unless he's lying to make you feel better. ~~

"Hey, Hanzo, you ok?"

"Yes. Fine." Hanzo lies down and pulls the blanket towards him, closes his eyes. Pretends he doesn't run his fingers together to feel if there's blood there.

There's not.

~~ But it's still stained isn't it? You never can be free of the stain of your brother's blood. ~~

"C'mon Hanzo, we talked about this, how am I supposed to help you if I don't know what's wrong."

Hanzo tugs the blanket closer. "We can deal with this matter in the morning."

Jesse tugs the blanket back exposing Hanzo to the chill. "Uh-uh. We ain't doing that again, if we wait 'til mornin' you'll pretend to forget."

~~ He sees through your lying, won't be long until he sees through you and  **leaves.** ~~

Hanzo pushes himself upright and glares at his lap while Jesse leans over and turns on the bedside lamp.

"Nightmare amiright? What was it about."

"Do you really have to ask?"

Jesse frowns and scratches the back of his head. "s'pose not."

Hanzo stares at his hands. He remembers from an ancient English play he was forced to read in cultural lessons, the woman who went mad after she murdered someone. She would scrub and scrub but her hands were never clean.

As a youth Hanzo was in disbelief at the naiveté of the woman. He dismissed her as hysterical, a woman, and a weak spirit.

~~ But you have none of those, what's your excuse? ~~

Hanzo rubbed circles into his palm, pink, hard and calloused. 

~~ But you can feel it, can't you? Smell it even, the ghost of a sensation, the blood of your brother, hot and sticky on your hands. And no amount of washing will get rid of it. ~~

Hanzo clenches his hand shut.

"I said d'ya wanna walk about it?"

"I thought I made it clear I didn't." Hanzo answers.

"Ya can't just go around burying it down! You need to let it breathe, air it out, or it'll fester and eat you inside out!"

"Maybe that's what I deserve." A whisper.

~~ Monster ~~

"That ain't true Han, your brother forgives you, ain't nobody holds it against you, you did your share of regret and mournin', it's time to think of the present."

"You would not understand."

"Excuse you? I wouldn't-" Jesse stops exasperated. "I'm getting a smoke."

Hanzo's eyes stay stuck on his hands, he scratches idly, but he knows it's pointless, nothing is going to make his hands feel clean again.

Jesse sits back on the bed with a deep sigh, cigar in his mouth. 

"I wanna tell you a story, Han. 'bout some snot-nosed kid out of his league. 'bout me."

"I don't want to hear about your black watch days."

"It ain't about that."

Hanzo tilts his head glancing at Jesse's back.

"I was… damn. Don't really remember. I think I was 15. Small time thief, until I stepped outa line. Stepped right onto the Deadlocks gangs turf. Stole from someone I shouldn'ta. Well, the Deadlocks', Ashe actually. Ashe thought it'd be funny to throw two street rats against one another, see who clawed to the top. The reward would be you'd get to live, and get to be the bitch of the gang. So I got thrown in with this squirrely lookin' kid, I don't know how old he was but even then I thought he looked young. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have much muscle on me back then, but this kid was a bean pole, heh, well, more like a bean, a bean pole implies height. He was a tiny little thing. Anyway, they tossed us together, no weapons, and said if we didn't fight we'd both die."

"So you killed him?"

"That's the long and short of it yeah, this tiny kid, barely up to my chin, clawing at my arms as I strangle the life outta him. I don't rightly think i was ever the same. His eyes were green. Bright green. And he had mossy hair, kinda dirty blond, and freckles just about everywhere."

"So?"

"So I know what you're going through, I know what it's like to wake up screaming, I know what it's like to bury it so far down you think it's engraved in your soul. The only way to ease the guilt is to talk about it."

"Maybe I don't deserve to ease the guilt. Maybe I deserve this."

~~ Deserve to suffer . ~~

"Han, c'mon, at least you got the forgiveness of the person who you did wrong, I never got that."

Hanzo shifts, clenching his hand. "So, you, what? Found redemption?"

"No, but I'm at peace with myself. What I did was wrong, but I'm working to make sure it doesn't happen again. Just like you."

They sit there for awhile, silence except for the their breaths. The deep inhale, exhale.

"How did you do it?" A whisper.

"I talked to a therapist for one, a damn good one. Black watch had these psych eval's, mandatory. Didn't take long for them to figure I needed help. Lots a talkin', workbooks, the whole bit. But I got better. And I got the tools to help deal with any shit that came down the river."

Hanzo said nothing, he didn't know what to say.

"Look, overwatch has a therapist, any military worth its salt does, why don't you think 'bout going for a check-up."

Han snorted derisively.

"Now c'mon Han, I'll come with ya if ya want. It ain't so bad."

He wrinkled his nose at the thought of him,  _ Hanzo Shimada _ , going to a therapist. It seemed like a task for weaklings, invalids, not  _ him. _

But even he had to admit that he wasn't the picture of mental health, maybe he never had been, reserved, repressed, hell, he hadn't even realized he liked men until he was in his 30's. 

Maybe this was like that. Something he'd shoved away so hard that he hadn't thought about other options…

~~ Like the option of being weak. ~~

He shook his head. He was tired. Too tired to deal with these thoughts. 

~~ Though never too far are we? ~~

Hanzo internally groaned, when the thoughts were this loud and this insistent, there were only two things that could get him out of his head enough to sleep.

Alcohol and sex.

Honestly if Jesse wasn't so enthusiastic about it he'd feel bad about dragging him to bed every night. 

God he felt like a teenager again.

"Jesse?"

"Hnrk! Huh?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you…" he glanced up, Jesse had dozed off his head against the backboard, cigar long ago put out beside him."

"Nah, babe, it's fine, what's goin' on?"

He internally cringed, he couldn't force this man to have sex with him in this state.

"Nothing. Never mind."

"Oh c'mon Han! When are you gonna get it? I don't know how you're used to relationships, but in this one? We talk. Or there's no relationship at all. I spent most of my life living where I couldn't share anything with my partners, and y'know what? I'm damn sick of it. So what was it? Tell me?"

"I wanted to have sex with you."

Jesse balks as Hanzo flinches and feels his cheeks heat.

"-but you looked tired so I didn't want to impose."

Jesse looks aghast. "Well damn, now I've put my foot in my mouth."

"No, you're right, I have been living with secrets too long, I just…"

"No, Han, I shouldve… I mean, I shouldn't'a blown up like that."

Hanzo looks away.

"Is the offer still standin'?" Jesse tries meekly.

Hanzo glances at him, cheeks red. "Yes, but perhaps only a quick one."

"Yeah?"

"I thought maybe… between these." Hanzo taps his thighs. "Quicker."

"Ah damn, I think there's a proper name for that, can't quite recall, is all."

Hanzo rolls forward, colliding with Jesse and shoving their mouths together. He wrapped both arms around Jesse's neck, grinding himself against the other when there was a think as they both fell against the headrest.

"Ow."

Hanzo pulled back. Oh.

"I apologize, it seems in my haste I may have forgotten your arm…"

Jesse laughs. "Want me to get it."

"I believe that's your decision."

"Then," He shimmies down so he was on his left side, fully on the bed. "Let's do a quickie." He finishes with an open arm.

Hanzo flushes and leans forward, kissing more gently than before.

Hanzo wraps his arms around him allowing Jesse the closeness he needs to rut against Hanzo. 

Hanzo hums as he feels Jesse already hard against him, and feels himself grow in response. He raises one hand to grab Jess's hair and the other to grip his back.

"Ah… fuck… Han, I can't last long since we already had round one. I'm tired."

"That's always your excuse."

"Han, I'm serious, it's like 3am."

Hanzo huffs a smile and reaches for the lube in his dresser.

Jesse is already nude, having only to remove his sleep pants. Hanzo follows suit before sidling up to Jesse.

He takes a few easy strokes of Jesse pubic hair, kissing his neck as he does so.

"I love your hair," he murmured "all of it."

"Jealous?"

Hanzo hums, but pulls a bit too hard to be coincidence in Jesse's most sensitive area.

"Alright, alright.."

Hanzo pours the lube on his hands, rubbing it together, before he uses both hands to stroke his lover's cock.

"Oh baby, you're so good to me."

"Yeh? Tell me about it."

"It feels so good, ugh, just right."

Hanzo moved one hand to get lube on his thighs, shivering at the coolness, before rubbing his thighs together. Then he tugged Jesse forward easing his cock between Hanzo's thighs.

"Oh baby, you're so hot." He bucked into him.

Hanzo crossed his ankles and  **clenched** rocking into Jesse.

" _ Fuck. _ "

Hanzo began to stroke his own cock, hand still slick with lube Jesse thrust his hips into him.

"Oh baby, you're so good, such a good boy, so good for me." Jesse crowds in closer to Hanzo, moving his hand and trapping his cock between them.

Hanzo buries his face in Jesse's neck, groaning as the cowboy rocks against him.

"Aw fuck, you're so good… amazing, you're amazing."

Jesse's thrusts speed up as he chases him finish, moaning and banking praises.

"Good boy, just like that, oh fuck,  _ fuck,  _ **_fuck_ ** ."

Hanzo feels wet warmth spread against the back of his thighs. Jesse groans as small aftershocks of pleasure course through him.

Jesse's breath evens out, and Hanzo is still hard, he jerks his hip against him, hitting his dick into Jesse's stomach.

Jesse's jerks awake.

"Sorry babe."

With one hand he reaches down and begins to stroke, slow and steady, massaging the head, before stroking down the entire length.

Hanzo bites his lip and turns his head into a pillow, warmth spreads through him as his neglected cock is lavished with attention. His toes curl, shoulders tense. Jesse was right he can't last long either. 

"You're such a good boy, good boy for me."

Hanzo hums as the pleasure slowly works through him, taking him out of his head.

"Faster." He whispers.

Jesse obliged kneading his cock harder and faster.

The tension builds in Hanzo's balls, like a thunderstorm brewing.

"くそ... くそ... Jesse!"

"Cum for me baby, that's it, cum for me."

Hanzo grunts as his hips rut against Jesse, the thunderstorm unleashed as lighting arches through him reaching the deepest parts of him.

"Good boy, you're so good for me…"

Hanzo pants as the storm recedes, draining his body as he goes limp.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Well we learn something new everyday and today I learned that I have a praise kink.


End file.
